【双语】TED演讲：用同情心拯救你糟糕的人际关系吧！
来源：TED
How compassion could save your strained relationships
Betty Hart
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I am unabashedly a daddy's girl. My daddy is the first person to have told me that I was beautiful. He often told me that he loved me, and he was one of my favorite people in the entire world, which was why it was really challenging to discover that we had a deep ideological divide that was so sincere and so deep that caused me to not talk to him for 10 years. Before the term was coined, I canceled my father.
我是一个毫不掩饰的“爸宝女”。我爸爸是第一个告诉我我很漂亮的人。他经常告诉我，他爱我，他是我在全世界最喜欢的人之一，这就是为什么当我发现了我们之间存在着深刻的意识形态分歧后，这种分歧是如此的真实而深刻，我10年都没有再和他说话，这真的很有挑战性。在这个词被创造出来之前，我甚至“取消”了我的父亲。
In the last few years, cancel culture has of course come into great prominence. It's existed throughout time, but cancel culture in the bigger society is when a person in prominence says or does something that we, the people, disagree with, and the decision is made to make them persona non grata. They are done.
在过去的几年里，取消文化当然变得非常突出。（取消文化具体行为包括：拒绝和某人交流和肢体接触）它一直存在，但在更大的社会中，取消文化是当一个显赫的人说或做了一些我们大众不同意的事情，我们将一致把他看成不受欢迎的人。他们那样做了之后。
They are not to be revered. They are not to be a part of our world anymore. And that is in the public realm. I'm going to talk to you today about the private realm. When we choose to cancel the people in our circle, the people in our core, the people who love us and who we love, and it has been mutually beneficial, but due to a deep and sincere ideological divide, we make the decision to cancel them out of our lives. I want to suggest that cancel culture needs to change, and instead we need to move to compassion culture.
他们就是不值得尊敬的。他们不再是我们世界的一部分。这是在公共领域。今天我要和你们谈谈私人领域。当我们选择取消我们圈子里的人，我们核心里的人，爱我们的人，我们所爱的人，本来是互利的，但是由于思想上的深刻而真诚的分歧，我们决定把他们从我们的生活中取消。我想建议取消文化需要改变，相反，我们需要转向同情文化。
But before I go there, let me tell you two of the premises that exist when we indulge in cancel culture. One, we have to believe that we're right. A hundred percent, no possibility of being wrong. And two, the other person, the person we're going to cancel, clearly does not have the ability to change, to grow, to develop.
但在我去那里之前，让我告诉你们当我们沉迷于文化时存在的两个前提。第一，我们必须相信我们是对的。百分之百，不可能出错。第二，另一个人，我们要取消的人，显然没有能力改变，成长，发展。
Obviously, both of these are problematic because sometimes we're not right. I don't know about you, but there have been times in my life when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right only to discover that I was wrong, badly wrong, completely missed the mark. So if it could happen to me and perhaps it's happened to you, perhaps it could happen to others.
显然，这两个都是有问题的，因为有时我们是不对的。我不知道你的情况，但在我的一生中，有那么几次，我毫不怀疑地知道自己是对的，结果却发现自己错了，大错特错，完全没有抓住重点。所以如果这件事发生在我身上，也许发生在你身上，也许发生在其他人身上。
The second is a little even more challenging because I know that I've changed over the years. Haven't we all? Though the core parts of Betty have pretty much stayed the same, there have been key elements that have changed drastically. The Betty of eight years old was not the same as the Betty of 18, which was not the same as 28, which was not the same as 38. I've changed. And if I'm able to change, shouldn't I extend grace to believe that others can change too?
第二个更具挑战性，因为我知道这些年来我已经改变了。不是吗？虽然《贝蒂》的核心部分基本保持不变，但其中的一些关键元素却发生了巨大的变化。八岁的贝蒂和十八岁的贝蒂不一样，二十八岁的贝蒂和三十八岁的贝蒂不一样。我变了。如果我能改变，我不应该宽宏大量地相信别人也能改变吗？
So what should we do? Instead of canceling people, we should use the tool called compassion. I find the definition of compassion is a fascinating one. And it's not one that I hear people talk about. Compassion means to suffer with someone. To suffer alongside them. Imagine. When someone, say, Grandpa, says that thing that's caused you to decide he's no longer invited to Thanksgiving, what if instead we chose to suffer alongside him? We decided that our love was so big, so deep, so strong that we were willing to suffer, even when it could be potentially painful.
那我们该怎么办？我们应该使用一种叫做同情的工具，而不是取消人。我发现同情的定义很吸引人。我也没听到人们谈论这个。同情意味着和某人一起受苦。和他们一起受苦。想象一下。当有人，比如说爷爷，说了那些让你决定不再邀请他参加感恩节的话，如果我们选择和他一起受苦呢？我们决定，我们的爱是如此之大，如此之深，如此之强烈，以至于我们愿意承受痛苦，即使它可能是潜在的痛苦。
Now let's be clear. I am not denying anyone's right to cancel anyone else. What I'm suggesting is that maybe that's not the best way. When we think about the situation with Grandpa at Thanksgiving, if we choose to cancel him, we are no longer in proximity to him. Not only do we not get to hear his point of view, we don't get to share ours. What if we're the only person, because of our deep connection and love and affection for our grandfather -- and substitute anyone you choose.
现在让我们说清楚。我不否认任何人取消其他人的权利。我的意思是，也许这不是最好的办法。当我们想到感恩节和爷爷在一起的时候，如果我们选择取消他，我们就不再接近他了。我们不仅听不到他的观点，也不能分享我们的观点。如果我们是唯一的人，因为我们之间的深厚联系，对我们祖父的爱和爱慕——并且代替你选择的任何人呢。
What if we're the ones to plant seeds of change, seeds of influence, seeds of difference. Now, to be fair, I cannot promise you that just because you plant the seed, that it will get water, that it'll get any sunlight or even a little fertilizer. But what I can tell you is that if you don't plant it, who will?
如果我们播下了改变的种子，影响的种子，差异的种子。现在，公平地说，我不能向你保证，仅仅因为你种下了种子，它就会得到水，它会得到任何阳光，甚至一点点肥料。但我能告诉你的是，如果你不种，谁会种？
I find it interesting, this idea of suffering alongside someone. It means that we are choosing to value the totality of the person rather than one particular aspect, like a framework or a mindset or a belief system. We're choosing to believe that the entire person is more valuable than any of the individual parts.
我觉得很有趣，这种和某人一起受苦的想法。这意味着我们正在选择重视人的整体，而不是一个特定的方面，如框架、心态或信仰体系。我们选择相信整个人比任何一个单独的部分都更有价值。
And I found an amazing duo who demonstrated this beautifully. Perhaps you've heard of them. The late justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia were close, close friends. And they were completely divided in terms of belief systems. In fact, Antonin Scalia once said, "What's not to like, other than her thoughts on the law." He believed she was wrong. She believed he was wrong. They did not shift in that point of view whatsoever.
我发现了一个很棒的二重唱，他们完美地展示了这一点。也许你听说过。已故大法官露丝·贝德·金斯伯格和安东宁·斯卡利亚是亲密的朋友。他们在信仰体系上完全不同。事实上，安东宁·斯卡莉亚曾经说过，“除了她对法律的看法之外，还有什么是不喜欢的。”他认为她错了。她认为他错了。他们在这一点上没有任何转变。
And yet they had tea together every week, and every New Year's Eve, they spent it together with their families. They went on family vacations together. They chose to suffer with each other rather than to cancel each other. Their love and respect for each other continued to grow, even though they never saw eye to eye.
然而，他们每周都在一起喝茶，每年除夕，他们都和家人一起度过。他们全家一起去度假。他们宁愿彼此受苦，也不愿互相取消。他们对彼此的爱和尊重继续增长，尽管他们从来没有意见一致。
I imagine that curiosity might be a part of that. That if we choose to be curious about that which is different, we might discover something along the way. After all, if we are who we are because of our lived experiences, isn't that true for someone else? And have we ever decided to use that tool of empathy, of walking a mile or so in someone else's shoes to really discover the context for why they believe what they believe?
我想好奇心可能是其中的一部分。如果我们选择对不同的事物好奇，我们可能会发现一些东西。毕竟，如果我们是因为我们的生活经历而成为我们自己，那对其他人来说不是这样吗？我们是否曾经决定用这种移情的工具，穿着别人的鞋子走一英里左右的路，去真正发现他们为什么相信自己所相信的东西的来龙去脉？
Now, by now you're probably saying, "Yeah, OK, Betty, this sounds good. But what about you? What about you and your dad?" It's a fair question. After 10 years of not talking to my dad, I picked up the phone one day, called him and said, "I bet if it were up to you, you'd probably go back in time and change some things. I know I would. But since we can't, how about we start again?" And he said, "Yes, because I love you.
现在，你可能会说，“好吧，贝蒂，听起来不错。但是你呢？你和你爸爸呢？“这是个公平的问题。10年没和爸爸说话了，有一天我拿起电话，给他打电话说：“我敢打赌，如果你决定的话，你可能会回到过去，改变一些事情。我知道我会的。但是既然我们不能，我们重新开始怎么样？”他说，“是的，因为我爱你。
I always have. And I always will." I am so grateful that I made that call because there was no way for me to know that a few years later my dad would develop Alzheimer's. And a few years after that he would die. And we never saw eye to eye about the thing that divided us, ever. But our love continued. It continued through those 10 years when we didn't speak and it continued in the six years after.
我对你的爱一直不变。”我非常感动，我打了电话，因为我没有办法知道几年后我爸爸会患上老年痴呆症。几年后他就会死。我们从来没有看到过一个对眼的事情，我们一直都处于一个敌对状态。但我们的爱一直都在。这种状态持续了10年，当时我们没有说话，六年后依然如此。
So I am encouraging us to become a society of people that choose compassion over canceling. I'm asking us to consider that curiosity might be a better practice. That we might choose empathy, that we might choose to have a love that is so deep, so wide, so strong that it can surpass differences. Why are we so scared of differences anyway? I also want us to be a people that plant seeds, seeds of change, seeds of influence, seeds of diversity. Again, I cannot promise to you or anyone else that planting that seed is going to make a difference. But what if it does?
所以我鼓励我们成为一个选择同情而不是取消的人的社会。我要我们考虑好奇心也许是一种更好的做法。我们可以选择移情，这样我们就可以选择拥有一种如此深邃、如此宽广、如此强大的爱，以至于它能超越不同。为什么我们如此害怕差异？我也希望我们成为一个播种，改变的种子，影响的种子，多样性的种子的人。我不能再次向你或任何人保证种植这种种子会有什么不同。但如果真的呢？
I am the sum of who I am because of everything that I've been exposed to. My mind has changed over the years and grown because of the people in my life who planted seeds in me, some that I saw and some that I didn't. So wouldn't it be great if instead of having a cancel culture we create a compassion culture where we are willing to suffer alongside the ones we love, because we love them. And can't we become a community that plants seeds? After all, if we don't, who will?
我是我的总和，因为我所接触到的一切。我的思想随着岁月的推移而改变，因为我生命中的人们在我身上种下了种子，有些是我看到的，有些是我没有种的。如果我们没有取消文化，而是创造一种同情文化，让我们愿意和我们所爱的人一起受苦，因为我们爱他们，那就不是件好事了。难道我们不能成为一个种种子的社区吗？毕竟，如果我们都不做，那还有谁会做呢？
Thank you.
非常感谢。
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